If that was your dad, he is hot
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
