32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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