please come you make the beer taste better
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
