Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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