I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
