It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize