I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We are two peas in an std pod
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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