i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize