how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
