My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
