im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
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