he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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