i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
