life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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