Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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