oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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