if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
