Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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