So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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