Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just want to make out with him forever
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
