theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
