Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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