Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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