Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
