Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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