I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
