the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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