You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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