just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize