she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize