i would punch a child for taco bell
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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