I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
