I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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