He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
