I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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