I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
