Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
