I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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