Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
We smell like vodka and hangover
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
