And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
