Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
