Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
