All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
