Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize