Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
