Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
