this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
