My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
