How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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