I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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