Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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