Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Randomize
