Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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