And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
