Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
