When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
