she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
