new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
