Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
