Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
