I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
